abstruse aberration

2010-09-04T19:02:00.001+08:00

sun beams at tumblr.

that's where i'll be.

2010-09-01T10:08:00.001+08:00

i didnt mean for this to go as far as it did

2010-08-09T23:00:00.002+08:00

i never liked taking that next step in relationships, never liked it when things begin to stray further and further from the boundaries of Friendship and begin crossing over into that territory i dont like stepping into.
for some reason, things are always so much less complicated when the L words dont come into play, when the L words stay well out of sight and keep away.

maybe its because i've seen too many cases whereby it almost always ends up turning ugly, and in the end, the simple good friendship that existed at the beginning would sour too.

and maybe thats why i dont believe in Love anymore.
because so often, it makes you lose a Friend.

and well, Friendships are just easier to navigate.

life is zu kompliziert as it is.

2010-08-04T17:15:00.001+08:00

and i dont know why its so difficult to make me happy, and to keep me happy.

2010-08-03T22:08:00.000+08:00

but somehow, i dont quite believe in love anymore.

2010-07-11T18:42:00.001+08:00

it might be hope.

2010-05-27T02:02:00.005+08:00

but i've lived through this,
and i wont look back.

2010-04-24T17:41:00.000+08:00

I used to constantly look for people to replace you. Someone to talk to everyday,
someone to trust, someone to believe in, someone to love, someone to have the time
of my life with. I stopped though. I learned some people really can't be replaced.
Even though everyday I still glance to see if I find potential in anyone.

2010-03-18T16:12:00.001+08:00

because in just one moment, your entire world can come crashing.

2010-02-18T11:36:00.000+08:00

we'll see, sweetheart, we'll see.

no promises.

2010-01-20T21:07:00.004+08:00

Du kannst mich nicht verbiegen,
ich scheiß auf deine Lügen

i cant believe this is the kind of note we're finishing on.
annoyed as i am,
its not without hurt that i change the status from "complicated" Not to one that we worked so hard and waited so long for but to its complete opposite.
well, no, i neednt change it, you're right.
but i want to. for my own sake.
ever heard of closure?

its gone on for too long.
and eventually. it ends with no real outcome (i'm sorry this is grossly out of point but i'm just remembering the whole thing about Napoleon's wars and how they dragged on with "no ultimate political outcome". yes i can see what you're thinking, i know what you're thinking and that's probably why we'll never work out- all these little differences make for bigger harder to resolve issues)

i cant say i'm completely numb, after all, you've been too big a part of my life.
from best friend to just a little more than friends but then again, we really never did promise each other anything.
if it could have worked, yea it would have been pretty; but no, i think it is really, impossible.
its not you, and its not me.
its the both of us combined.

i suppose really, what i'm most upset about is the fact that we wont even stay Friends after so much has happened.
i told you right from the start, i dont think this is a good idea because well i knew what Love could do to Friendship and i really didnt want that to happen with You.
but no, you told me back then to have faith.
but what's faith if it'll only ruin you in the end?

well.
fare thee well my friend.

it ends tonight
it ends tonight
you're out of my life
it cuts like a knife
damned indecision and cursed pride

2010-01-04T18:51:00.003+08:00

a new year and a new start- perhaps.

i dont know what the future holds.
for you, for me, or for us.
and i dont even know if the future holds an us to begin with.

whatever it is,
i wish you love.

2009-11-21T17:53:00.001+08:00

sink or swim?

2009-11-19T09:48:00.001+08:00

Die Zeit verrinnt
Die Blätter fallen
Nacht schwebt heran,
Tag ohne wiederkehr
Ein Schatten naht
Verdunkelt alle Welt
Löscht deine Schritte,
Nimmt dich mit,
Dich fort

Zeit zu gehen
umzudrehen
neu zu sehen
Zeit zu gehen

2009-11-15T21:38:00.001+08:00

still lost without you.

2009-11-04T15:32:00.001+08:00

and and
can i say i miss you?

2009-10-21T17:34:00.001+08:00

" ewig dein
ewig mein
ewig unß "

2009-10-20T22:15:00.003+08:00

and sometimes i still dont know how exactly i should be feeling about all of this.

is it even supposed to be this tiring and draining?
i think its ironic.
very very ironic.

but no matter.

2009-10-09T22:50:00.001+08:00

annoyed annoyed annoyed.
gah
i hate the way some people think the whole world revolves around them.
hate the way they speak as if everyone owes them shit.
whatever.

2009-10-07T22:09:00.002+08:00

look, i'm not going to point fingers at anyone or blame anybody.
no one's completely right, and no one's completely wrong.
you know i've never believed in simplifying matters like that, i've never believed in two-dimensional characters, never believed in black-and-white.
which is why i'm not saying anything to judge any one.
and no, i dont insist that i myself am free from any degree of guilt either.

let's just let it go, all right?
it'd make it so much easier for everyone.

2009-10-06T22:49:00.002+08:00

reason enough?

well. its still not good enough for me.

darn. why does it even matter?

no sign that anything had ended
And nothing to instruct me to forget.

2009-09-24T11:02:00.000+08:00

"are you happy now?"

"no. not even close."

2009-09-23T14:37:00.001+08:00

in the meantime, stay out of my life.

2009-08-10T12:36:00.001+08:00

good night, sweet prince,
and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

2009-07-18T18:52:00.000+08:00

"you never cared about me"
"what? what the hell makes you think i never cared?"
"you. Left."
"i left back then because i loved you but i couldnt make you happy."
-pause
"but i came back."
"no. thats not enough."

2009-07-05T17:46:00.000+08:00

hello you.
here's to a new chapter unfolding.
or so i hope.
:)

2009-06-30T22:28:00.000+08:00

hate the stupid things that are cropping up.
leave me alone.

2009-06-23T16:54:00.001+08:00

happier :)
love You.

2009-06-14T22:00:00.004+08:00

thank you for today.
thank you for your never-ending loyalty.
and for always always sticking up for me.
even when i'm being a bitch.
thank you for everything
especially the things i cannot put down here.

to yet another you,
it was strange but yet kind of touching how you tried to talk to me to ask me why.
even though its been a while since we've actually spoken or anything
it was nice of you to keep asking
to even ask if i wanted to join you for lunch so we could talk.
seemed like a small thing but, thank you.

the new life begins soon.
i cant wait.

2009-06-07T17:22:00.004+08:00

you know what,
it doesnt even matter anymore.

i'm tired of feeling tired
i'm tired of feeling this unhappy
i'm tired of trying to fight it

i'm tired of having to drag myself all the way there all the time
i'm tired of having to step into that role, of having to put on that mask once i'm there
i'm tired of feeling so damn drained whenever it Finally finally ends
i'm tired of always wanting to scream and just curl up and cry when i finally do get away

twice already its happened.
that one night on the journey back home on the train
it was literally cant-stop-these-tears-from-running-down-my-face
it was pathetic and embarrassing

and today
the moment i got on the cab
it was fight-back-those-tears-swallow-back-those-sobs.

yes that's how unhappy i am.

but like i said,
it doesnt matter anymore.

there's no more fight left in me.

because i'm tired of the guilt trips i'm always sent on.

take yesterday.
how the hell could i look at you and tell you straight my answer's one big Zero?
i couldnt.
i couldnt bring myself to hurt you that way.

honestly, i often hate the fact that you're in these positions.

i still remember how i laugh at people who "abstain"
i remember how i laughed at that scene in Exodus, when they were announcing which countries were abstaining from the voting (with regard to the partition plan).
i remember how scornful i felt.

and yesterday
i Hated myself for abstaining.
but i would rather hate myself and suppress those feelings than hurt you.

but well.
here's the truth
in plain black and white:
i. am. Not. happy.
At All.

doesnt matter.
Doesnt. Matter.

2009-05-29T10:50:00.001+08:00

there's something about the way you whisper "goodnight" that makes my heart flutter.

2009-05-27T21:21:00.000+08:00

why do all good things come to an end?

2009-05-21T22:47:00.000+08:00

Let's go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned

Cos perfect didn't feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
Was no life
I defy

Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away my sanity
Cos I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm coming clean

2009-05-13T14:28:00.000+08:00

Standing on the rooftops
Waiting till the bombs drop
This is all we got now
Scream until your heart stops
Never gonna regret
Watching every sunset
Listening to your heartbeat
All the love that we found

2009-05-12T20:13:00.000+08:00

darn it.
why do i even feel guilty at all?
i dont owe any of you anything.

f my life.

2009-05-04T18:42:00.001+08:00

damn it.

i dont want to talk to you.
to any of you.

f my life.

i just wanna lock the door,
leave it all outside.
turn off all the lights-
i just wanna hide.
dont bother looking for me;
not even sure that you will.
so i dont have to tell
i'm not feeling well these days.

i need to find something i cannot find here

i just wanna stay in bed,
stay right here for now.
left here with my thoughts-
how to face another day.
i'm not ready for it yet.
so i dont have to show
that i'm not okay this way

2009-04-26T19:56:00.002+08:00

paint me in your sunshine
wake my sleepy eyes
round me in your comfort
stay with me for all of time

so paint me in your sunshine
walk with me, stay by my side
fill my head with stories
leave the part of you behind
tell me where i'll find you
and send me off to another day
till we meet tomorrow

reach your hand,
i'll follow

2009-04-23T20:59:00.002+08:00

i still remember the world from the eyes of a child
slowly those feelings were clouded by what i know now
where has my heart gone
an uneven trade for the real world
i want to go back to
believing in everything
and knowing nothing at all.

if i could only hold you now
make the pain just go away
cant stop the tears from running down my face.

2009-04-12T21:44:00.002+08:00

well.
for now, i'll just keep hiding.
and keep myself suppressed.

after all,
there's no reason for me to reveal what's in there.
there never has been.

hide your face so the world can never find you.

nobody is going to be let in.
so stop trying.

2009-04-09T18:14:00.001+08:00

yea. whatever.
do you honestly think i care?

2009-03-28T21:49:00.002+08:00

so sick and tired of having to keep up the act Every Single Day.
just give me the oscar already.

and today- finally, at 5 plus in the evening when we finally left them.
i did break down and cry.

2009-03-24T22:35:00.001+08:00

i Wont let any of you change me.
period.

i may be stuck here for life.

But.
i'm Not going to let That happen to me.

NO. Way.

2009-03-23T13:12:00.001+08:00

if that is going to happen,
i dont want to stay.

but as usual,
i dont have a choice.

i'm stuck here for life.

2009-03-16T19:47:00.001+08:00

its like catching lightning-
the chances of finding someone like you.

2009-03-10T16:26:00.001+08:00

And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

2009-03-02T17:40:00.001+08:00

Falling leaves like a blanket at my feet
There's a canopy of stars
And I just miss you like crazy
Suddenly the world's too big
And the hours move too slow
And I just wish that you were holding me near

Seven days, it feels like a year
You whisper through the line
You know I miss you like crazy
So baby can you steal a plane
Or board the fastest train
You know it just don't feel the same when you're gone

I won't sleep until you're finally next to me
Can't wait to breathe you in
Don't wanna waste my time dreaming
I just wanna treat your name like
A whisper on my skin
And never have to say goodbye again

Cos every time you go away
The sunshine starts to fade
Frozen by the hands of time into a
Permanent Monday
Take me back into your arms
And don't ever let me go
Cos when I see you walk through that door
I'm not lost anymore
I'm home
I'm home

2009-02-27T19:43:00.001+08:00

why am i even your idol?

why are other yous even jealous of me?

i'm not worthy of your admiration/adoration.

and please, you're envying the wrong person.

all i am is someone who is very very very tired and sick of this life.

2009-02-26T22:14:00.005+08:00

cos i dont really care.

and its none of your business either.
so why should you?

its been strange
the way things turn out to be.

i dont even want to comment anymore.
on anything.

what's the point?

i still think that you're going way over the top.
all of you are.
but then you'd turn it around and say We dont see the big picture.
maybe we dont,
but honestly,
its a simple word called Respect.
we're human too.
if you want us to respect you, show us that same respect.

yea i used to believe in "do unto others what you want others to do to you"
but after all this,
i now live by "do unto others what others have done to you"
so go figure out why you're not getting the Respect you so obviously crave.

to a different you,
you do have double standards too, dont you?
you or me or me or you
i think we both are at fault
and at least i'm willing to say that some of the fault Is mine.
you, you'd never admit to any of the blame.
and sometimes i really wonder why i put up with all of this.

and by the way,
stop lying to me.
its not helping.
at all.

now, any other questions?

(not like i'd answer them.)

2009-02-06T16:10:00.000+08:00

it never will stop.
i have to free myself.
find somewhere where i truly belong.

somewhere away from you.
from all of you.

somewhere where i can start anew, afresh.
somewhere where people Dont judge me.

2009-02-04T19:52:00.001+08:00

i want a song, but you're a symphony.
i want a star, but you're a galaxy.

afraid to close my eyes;
so much can slip away before i say goodbye.

2009-01-27T15:20:00.001+08:00

i could easily forgive his pride, if he had not wounded mine.

-Jane Austen: Pride and Prejudice

2009-01-20T20:34:00.001+08:00

so let's run away together.

2008-12-22T11:33:00.001+08:00

i. have. had. enough.
seriously i have.

and i warn you,
watch it from now on.

really, you dont want to see the other side of me.
neither do you want to see me leave. do you?

2008-12-20T17:22:00.001+08:00

say what you want.
but i know perfectly well what i'm doing.
for myself.
for my own safety and for my own protection and benefit.

maybe some time down the road, you wont be laughing anymore :)

2008-12-11T20:58:00.002+08:00

sometimes i really dont know what it is you want.

i hate not knowing.

i hate not being the one in control.

2008-12-08T13:33:00.001+08:00

You helped them to do it. You deceived me, betrayed me, and you'll do worse if you get the chance... ...if i was bound for hell let it be hell. no more false heavens. No more damned magic. You hate me and i hate you. Now. My hate is colder, stronger, and you'll have no hate to warm yourself. You will have nothing. ...nothing left but hopelessness.
Say die and i will die. Say die and watch me die.

2008-11-14T09:32:00.002+08:00

this time,
nobody needs to know.

do not ask then.
he that can compass me, and know my drifts,
may say he hath put a girdle 'bout the world
and sounded all her quicksands.

2008-11-01T21:11:00.002+08:00

So here's my observation
you could never see it through my eyes
and i'm too tired to try

nothing we say is gonna save us from the fallout.

2008-10-31T21:06:00.001+08:00

wtf?
you had no business telling him anything.
if she had wanted him to know, she'd have told him herself.
who the hell do you think you are?
it wasnt any of your business in the first place,
much less his.

you guys really know how to ruin things.

2008-10-30T15:41:00.001+08:00

love was the song we never finished the lyrics to.

2008-10-27T13:17:00.000+08:00

you are my sunshine
my only sunshine.
you make me happy when skies are grey :)

2008-10-25T18:28:00.000+08:00

so sick of it all.
wish i were anywhere but here.

2008-10-22T21:04:00.000+08:00

cos love is not a victory march;
its a cold and broken hallelujah.

2008-09-22T20:35:00.000+08:00

i dont like people.
especially not now.

2008-09-21T18:05:00.001+08:00

and all i want to do lately is sleep.

yes i am an escapist who cant face reality.
so what?

2008-09-19T19:52:00.001+08:00

exploited.

i dont want to have to deal with any of you anymore.
i dont want to have to see any of you anymore.

unfortunately, in this place, one never gets what one wants.

2008-09-05T10:44:00.000+08:00

you. are. going. too. far.

back off.

2008-09-02T17:58:00.001+08:00

hello y'all.
please stop making mountains out of molehills.

and just a warning-
pact is in operation:
an attack against one or more of us shall be considered an attack against us All.

i hope you get what that means :)

2008-08-28T10:28:00.001+08:00

enough is enough.

ugh.
i just need to get away.

2008-08-27T17:22:00.000+08:00

if no one else is putting in any effort,
why should i still carry on?

warning

2008-08-25T16:15:00.007+08:00

i Hate it when people read stuff on my blog and then start poking me and questioning me about certain lines i write and asking "does That refer to me?", "does that refer to so-and-so?", "who does this refer to?" and so on and so forth.

Look.
when i dont put down any names,
i do so for a reason.
and the reason?
absolutely simple:
i Dont Want Anyone to know who i am referring to, who i am directing certain lines to.
those who know will know.
those who dont, you dont know because i dont want you to.
and more importantly, you dont have to.
so shut up and stop guessing.
stop sticking your noses into things that do not concern you.

Dont Ever ask me any of those above mentioned questions or anything along those lines again.
(Unless 1. i talk to you about it first or 2. you are 200% certain you know who i am referring to and what i am talking about and those who fall into this category are very few.)

2008-08-19T19:45:00.002+08:00

precisely why it just doesnt explain why i still feel so bad about everything.

and again i ask myself:
what have i done?

so surreal.

2008-07-31T15:35:00.001+08:00

things are piling up so bad and getting so much worse,
its freaking scary.

i told you no.
but no, none of you ever listen.
none of you ever realise.
none of you ever see.
none of you ever understand.

and in the end, who is it that gets all the blame,
who is it that has to face the consequences?
me.
in the end, it'll all boil down to my fault yet again.

i want so terribly much to just swear at all of you and at everything now.

but no,
i wont.
what i will do is to continue smiling at you oh-so-sweetly.
like that nice little girl you want me to be.

you're all monsters.
every single one of you.

its just come to a point where ____________ doesnt bring me joy anymore.
i want out.
i really do.

2008-07-25T18:41:00.002+08:00

-edited and deleted.

whatever i planned to post will be done in an lj friends-only entry.

because its never safe.

i seriously want so much to swear at you.

2008-07-24T20:19:00.002+08:00

guilt?
it's this mechanism we use to control people.
it's an illusion.

it's a useful tool when you know how to use it.

the trick is to never allow yourself to feel it.
ie. distance yourself from all emotion.
that's always the easiest way to survive.

because then you can manipulate and emotionally blackmail others,
but they cant do the same to you.
because you're numb,
because you're cold,
because you have a heart of stone.

2008-07-23T18:33:00.002+08:00

smile on the outside,
bleed on the inside.

i've never let myself cry in public, i've never allowed myself to break down like that in front of anyone.

and i dont intend to start now.
neither do i intend to ever do so.

hide your heart,
cos you're not safe.

trust no one,
no one hurts you.

2008-07-16T16:45:00.001+08:00

hold on, baby you're losing it
the waters high, you're jumping into it
and letting go and no one knows
that you cry, but you don't tell anyone
and you're tied together with a smile
but you're coming undone

cos all of the stars have faded away.

2008-07-09T19:09:00.002+08:00

and i realise its still only You who can make me truly happy.

everything will change,
but Your love remains the same.

dear Lord, thank You for being my Best Friend, my Valentine, my everything (:

2008-07-01T17:16:00.001+08:00

"If he loves you, he won't hurt you.
Remember that."

but isnt it the people who are the closest to you, the people who you love most, that have the capacity to completely destroy you and break your heart?

2008-06-23T19:00:00.000+08:00

hold on dear life.

2008-05-30T10:33:00.001+08:00

no longer the same.

2008-05-16T19:33:00.001+08:00

i wonder how
i wonder why
i wonder where they are
the days we had
the songs we sang together

2008-03-26T20:40:00.002+08:00

so despite it all
you still put on the masks and face the world around you with a smile.

because you know its never ever safe to show the truth.

because no one would understand
and no one would care

hide your face so the world will never find you.

2008-03-13T23:00:00.001+08:00

i think its always like that when you love someone.
when they're around and they get you frustrated and exasperated you want so much to get rid of them, you just wish they'd go away and leave you alone and just disappear.
but then when they really do leave, you feel supremely guilty and scared and you want them back again.

its strange isnt it?

2008-03-12T15:42:00.003+08:00

"you all right?"

no but it doesnt matter. you dont really care.

"yea i'm fine (:"

"you sound like you're in a bad mood."

yea but so what? maybe you are the cause of my 'bad mood'.

"haha nope. just tired i guess =) "

replays conversation in head yet again and wonders for the hundredth time why she still cant bring herself to tell him, or anyone, the truth.

2008-03-09T20:48:00.001+08:00

lie to yourself until its true.

2008-03-06T14:42:00.002+08:00

nobody wants to admit to this, but bad things will keep on happening. maybe that's because its all a chain, and a long time ago, someone did the first bad thing, and that led someone else to do another bad thing and so on.
but then again, maybe bad things happen because its the only way we can keep remembering what the good is supposed to look like.

2008-02-25T18:28:00.000+08:00

thank you (:
it meant alot to me that you saw right through.

2008-02-16T20:44:00.000+08:00

you dont matter.
i have Someone who loves me who is so much greater (:

2008-02-15T15:57:00.001+08:00

so much from so many.
all except the most important one.

was that really all you could say?

sometimes i wonder if i'm just chasing a fantasy.

2008-02-09T21:12:00.000+08:00

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer to where i started
Chasing after you

I'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
I'm hanging by a moment here with you

I'm livin for the only thing i know
I'm running and I'm crashing
where to go?
i know i'd like to be in tune
Just hanging by a moment here with you

There's nothing else to lose
nothing else to find
There is nothing in the world that can change my mind
There is nothing else
there is nothing else

2008-02-08T10:50:00.001+08:00

giving up.
for real.

please help me remember to forget.

2008-02-07T17:46:00.001+08:00

would you lie with me and just forget the world.

still waiting for your reply.

2008-02-05T20:34:00.001+08:00

if you dont care,
then i dont care-
we're not going anywhere.

2008-02-04T20:39:00.001+08:00

i sit in your silence,
scared,
waiting patiently for recognition-
for a word.
for a breath.
for a touch.
but i am raw.
because i watch your hands
instead of writing
and listen for your breath
instead of breathing.
its strange
how close to you i feel.
and the need i have
to make you smile.
and yet i'm still sitting here,
waiting,
for you
to let me in.

2008-01-25T21:22:00.000+08:00

and so for the ten thousandth time, i wonder how this will turn out. will i get my fairy tale ending or will it be happily Never after? do you still love her more than you love me, or are you everything i wished you could be? yea it was such a beautiful illusion. the picture of perfection. but how much longer can you suffer to maintain a facade? how much more do you have to sacrifice to keep up the pretence? maybe gradually, we've already lost ourselves in the whole process. all that we painstaking built and created. this beautifully constructed reality. a false show. all along, we never told each other the most crucial things. and so when the truths all came to light, the overwhelming grief and hurt, the fragility of the whole relationship, everything just started to disintegrate.

i want so much to hold you
but i cant bear to touch you

sooner or later, we're both gonna break.
and when that happens, the consequences will be unimaginably destructive.

held up so high on such a breakable thread.

i can fully understand why you requested for a suicide pact.

and maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away- we'll be lost before the dawn.

2008-01-18T20:24:00.001+08:00

nothing, nothing but the question why.

i fake a smile so you won't see.

2008-01-17T17:45:00.000+08:00

if you love, you only stand to lose.

sweet beginnings, and bitter endings.

2008-01-13T18:27:00.000+08:00

Our final conversation
It lies heavy on the mind
And although we couldn’t take it
I think we know, we can’t go back this time

Though love and desperation
Is the writing on the wall
And will all the lights stop flashing
Or is this the final curtain call

It’s such a shame, it’s such a shame
Don’t walk away, don’t walk away
All this time I thought I knew myself
But once again, I bury my head in shame.

Nothing lasts forever
A flower always dies
I never felt the beauty
Why can’t I see through other people’s eyes?

I’ve paid the price for all my sins
And when love ends new love begins
My independence always nails me to the floor
And it leaves me wanting more, leaves me wanting more

I got everything a girl could ever need
So why do I still feel like my life’s so incomplete
You made me beautiful, brought me to my knees

So please don’t go don’t take the missing piece

2008-01-09T19:57:00.000+08:00

i won't let you fly
i won't say goodbye
i won't let you slip away.

if you knew what i knew.